They Almost Did: Lady GaGa and Madonna

Oh Saturday Night Live, bringing us comedy and sexiness since well before I was born. Well, as per the sexiness, sometimes they just dangle it in our faces, especially when they let someone get in the way. Grr. In this clip Lady GaGa and Madonna are about to kiss, but DJ Dynasty Handbag gets in the way. Anyhoo, watch it and enjoy what could've been!

They Totally Did: Marlene Dietrich & Tallulah Bankhead

Ah the nineteen thirties, a time of recovery from war and depression, a time when the silver screen was beginning to bud, and a time of RAMPANT LESBIANISM IN HOLLYWOOD! That's right, you heard me. At least on the side of the women, bisexuality in thirties Hollywood was very alive, and very well. In fact, many of the silver screen's leading ladies loftily laid together in lustful love. Phew, say that five times fast. Anyhoo, for the sake of brevity I'll focus on two amours of mine from the golden age of cinema; the lovely Marlene Dietrich and her successor the raunchy life-lusting Tallulah Bankhead.
Ok, what must be understood, as per the era in time, is the “Motion Picture Production Code”. For those of you who aren't ridiculous history/movie buffs (or didn't just run to Wikipedia) the Motion Picture Production Code was a set of highly conservative rules that not only governed what could be done in movies, but what could be done by actors in their lives. To give a taste of what the Code entailed I'll give you the three “General Principles” enumerated as follows:

1. No picture shall be produced that will lower the moral standards of those who see it. Hence the sympathy of the audience should never be thrown to the side of crime, wrongdoing, evil or sin.
2. Correct standards of life, subject only to the requirements of drama and entertainment, shall be presented.
3. Law, natural or human, shall not be ridiculed, nor shall sympathy be created for its violation.

Read between the lines, and you get no miscegenation, no drugs, and absolutely no homosexuality. However, that did not stop the raucous German songstress Marlene Dietrich from getting whatever Lola wanted.
Born in Berlin-Schöneberg in the then German Empire, Dietrich acted in solely German productions until discovered in 1930 by the director Josef von Sternberg. Sternberg then cast her in the renowned film “The Blue Angel”, as the character Lola-Lola, which featured her most famous song “Falling In Love Again”. Sternberg remained a huge facet in Dietrich's life, directing her first American film, Morocco, and generally making her the star she was at her zenith. Dietrich, being the impeccable actress that she was, managed to keep her bisexuality on the downlow and still enjoy the thriving gay scene and drag balls of 1920s Berlin. Mmm, I love a girl in a suit. Dietrich was known to have had an affair with Cuban-American writer Mercedes D'Acosta, and by extension the glamorous Greta Garbo. Thank goodness her husband was open to letting her be.

Tallulah Bankhead however, never considered openness an issue.

Pure as the driven slush and born in Alabama to a powerful Democratic political family, Tallulah Bankhead was a performer from the start. Bankhead actually developed her characteristic succexy voice from chronic childhood bronchitis. At the tender age of 15, Bankhead moved to the Big Apple and never looked back, becoming a part of the Algonquin Round Table and a hard-partying girl about town. Never one for alcohol at that stage, Bankhead smoked weed and did blow like no one's business infamously quoted as saying: "Cocaine isn't habit forming. I should know- I've been using it for years." Bankhead also possessed a voracious appetite for sex, to quote her again “I've tried several varieties of sex. The conventional position makes me claustrophobic And the others give me either stiff neck or lockjaw.” Quel domage! What a tigress! Tallulah's fame as an actress was cemented for portraying Amy in Sidney Howard's 1925 Pulitzer Prise wining play, "They Knew What They Wanted". Bankhead unfortunately never garnered much success with film, but her excellence on the stage easily balanced this misfortune. Bankhead's personality was said to so fierce that it inspired much of the personality for the classic puppy skinner, Cruella De Vil. Don't worry ladies, Tallulah was reportedly a fierce lover of both animals and children. During her grandiose sex life, Bankhead supposedly slept with the likes of Billie Holiday, Greta Garbo, Alla Nazimova, Laurette Taylor, and of course one miss Marlene Dietrich.

To bring this to a succinct finish, they totally madeout.

They Did: Kathryn Prescott & Lily Loveless

Here's a one for my ladies across the pond! In the O.C.-ish (except about a googleplex more risqué) UK drama "Skins", two lovely English lasses share a lip-lock supposedly because of the influence of some laced brownies. Mhmm. I think they just wanted it. Lovely, innit?

Youtube is a whorey buttface, and wouldn't let me post the entire kiss but here is the link for your viewing pleasure. Bon Appétit! :P (btw ignore the stupid boy)

They Should: Katy Perry & Zooey Deschanel

Ok, I don't care what y'all have to say but personally I think the the concept of making out with a set of twins is kinda hot. However, since that is explicitly implied incest, and therefore probably illegal, look-alikes are attractive as well. In any sexuality there seems to be an affinity for tall, dark, and gorgeous individuals. I mean, who doesn't like the idea of piercing eyes and a seductively teasing smile staring at you from across the room. Now, what could make that wonderfully sexy mysterious person o so much more intriguing? IF THERE WERE TWO OF THEM! Which leads us to the titillating twin-like twosome consisting of the fauxmosexual songstress Katy Perry, and Actress cum (haha) Singer the lovely Zooey Deschanel. Now for some reason I have an inane obsession with dark hair, pale skin, and blue green eyes. So, needless to say both of these ladies make me swoon like a French woman from 1687. Mmm, both of them are just so perfect, but for the sake of simplicity we'll start with the older of the two, twenty-nine year old Zooey Deschanel.
Zooey's uncommon name comes from the character Zooey Glass, the male protagonist of J. D. Salinger's 1961 novella Franny and Zooey. If it's been biting at you why the name “Deschanel” sounds so familiar, you're probably a rabid Bones fan. Zooey Deschanel happens to be the full sibling sister of one miss Emily Deschanel, better known as the socially inept anthropologist Temperance Brennan on the hit TV show Bones. It would seem like talent runs in the family. Anyhoo, back to miss sexy pants. This Northwestern dropout made her debut in the 1999 comedy Mumford and went on to star, and be typecast, as the “deadpan, sardonic, scene stealing, best friend to the protagonist” a title she herself doesn't really understand as she hardly considers herself “best friend” material. Deschanel played her first lead role in 2003 in the movie All the Real Girls as Noel, a sexually curious eighteen year old virgin who has a life-changing romance with an aimless twenty-two year old. Now, why I was not cast as that twenty-two year old, I shall never know. Deschanel's acting repertoire is actually quite varied, despite being somewhat new in Hollywood, ranging from heavy independent films, to children's movies and TV. And I have yet to mention that the girl also sings and composes. A piano composition of hers, Bittersuite, was featured in the dramedy Winter Passing, in which she starred alongside Will Ferrell and Ed Harris. Deschanel was also slated to play my dead-girl crush, and previous feature, Janis Joplin. But to my great dismay, filming was postponed indefinitely. Currently she is performing with fellow musician M. Ward in the group She & Him, and is in the new summer movie release 500 Days of Summer. Hey, if its got her, I gotta see it.

While I can safely say I've kissed a girl and liked it, that same statement though repeatedly sung, cannot actually be affirmed by its singer, Katy Perry. But who really cares, cause she's really hot. Perry (neé Hudson) was born the child of two Evangelical pastors and grew up not being allowed to listen to “secular” music as a child. After studying Italian opera at the Music Academy of the West, Perry got her GED freshman year so she could begin to focus solely on her music career. Smart, sexy, and driven who wouldn't want a piece of that. At the age of seventeen Katy Hudson took her mother's maiden name and became Katy Perry, as she thought her name sounded too much akin to the actress Kate Hudson. Ironically, her first album which contained songs like “Faith Won't Fail” and “Trust in Me” was deeply and heavily religious. However, this lies in direct contrast with her newest album which has such homolezploitational songs as “Ur So Gay” and “I Kissed a Girl”. One can only wonder what her parents are thinking right now. Apparently, this nouveau vintage queen has plans for more pop albums in the future. And since she's my guilty pleasure, I'll be first in line to download her new stuff.

In a perfect world Zooey Deschanel would be playing a new composition on her piano, and Katy Perry would walk in with her guitar, sit down next to her, and start softly playing along. They would then pause and look deeply into each others iridescent blue-green eyes. Katy would set down her guitar and brush Zooey's hair away, Zooey would pull Katy daringly closer. Lips would touch, AND THEY WOULD MAKEOUT. In short, yes my friends, Katy Perry would kiss a girl and really, really, like it.

They Did: Heather Graham & Bridget Moynahan

Ok, this movie has got to be one of the only good lesbian romantic dramadies out there (of all two that exist), and is definitely a personal favorite. If you find yourself with the time, you have got to give the full film a watch.
In the movie Gray Matters, Heather Grahm plays the woman who is, if ya get my drift, "not quite so sure about herself". Anyhoo, on her journey of self discovery she manages to make out with her brother's fianceé, played by the lovely Bridget Moynahan. Normally I frown on drunk girl hookups as symbolization of lesbians and bisexuals in the media, but this is too darn good and too darn cute to pass up.

They Should: M.I.A & Gwen Stefani

I'll easily admit I have a thing for musicians, like a huge thing, especially singers. There is something about the seductive voices coming from the tantalizing lips that just drives me wild. Mmmmhmmm. Anyhoo, now, you've seen why the lovely female vocalists of yesteryear should get in on, but I think its time I hussel and bring it to the present starting with the best Interscope Records has to offer; M.I.A and Gwen Stefani.
Lets start with the brown sugar Tamil tigress herself, Mathangi "Maya" Arulpragasam. Aside from her smash hit single “Paper Planes” little is actually known about this multi talented and politically motivated artista. Born in good old London England to Kala and Arul Pragasm, M.I.A is of Tamil Sri Lankan descent, and quickly moved back to her familial country of origin at the tender age of six months. Her father, motivated by his wish to support the Tamil militancy in Sri Lanka, became a political activist, adopting the name “Arular”, and was a founding member of a political Tamil group that worked to establish an independent Tamil Eelam. On the political nature of her work she has said, "I have to be true to that--I can't take certain things away. I do have a political background. I’m only in England, learning this language and building a life in this society, because of political reasons. Why would I deny that?" M.I.A. has talked about the fusion of politics into her music. "Nobody wants to be dancing to political songs. Every bit of music out there that’s making it into the mainstream is really about nothing. I wanted to see if I could write songs about something important and make it sound like nothing. And it kind of worked." If you follow M.I.A you'll have noticed that both of her albums are titled after her parents. Initially, Arulpragasm went to film school, directing music videos and filming many documentaries. According to M.I.A herself, she was encouraged by the electroclash artist Peaches to try the medium in which she felt the least comfortable; music. And boy am I glad she dared. Wow, hmm, she's so talented, I think I'm actually more into her as a person. Weird.
Anyhoo, onto the rock hard ska punk diva, the beautiful blonde bombshell herself, Gwen Renée Stefani. Now this woman is so damn fine it is ridiculous. Like have you seen those abs? I would not mind washing in her old bathwater. Seriously.
Anyway, Originally a ska queen Gwen was signed to Interscope in 1991 with the band No Doubt. Unfortunately a ska band in the era of grunge didn't do so well, so the first self titled album failed miserably. No Doubt's 3rd album, Tragic Kingdom, was almost their last when Stefani and bandmate Tony Kanal ended their relationship (to get with me. Luckily, the group stayed together, and the relationship (and subsequent break-up) provided lyrical inspiration for hits like “Don't Speak” and “Sunday Morning”. The band moved into more new wave territory with the less successful, but more personal to Stefani, “Return To Saturn”. This super hot Californian is also responsible for the first million downloaded song “Hollaback Girl”. I will say though I appreciated the frequent skimpy nature of the costumes during her solo career, I'm glad she's finally doing a reunion tour.
Besides the similarity of both being signed to Interscope Records, these women share one more common ground. Drumroll please. They both have children and are therefore MILFS! HURRAH! So if their crazy hotness isn't enough, then that should tip it over the edge. In short these two ladies should take time off of their busy recording schedules and JUST MAKE OUT.

They Should've: Grace Slick & Janis Joplin

Ah “the sixties”, a mythical time and trying decade for post war America. An era full of social revolution, political reform, sexy music, and even sexier people. Too bad I managed to miss my favorite time period by a few decades or so. Humph. Anyway, as before stated I love everything about the sixties. From the political intrigue of the war, to the people refusing to lay down their rights. From the unity of the youth, to the power of the music. Goodness I love the music. Especially the women in the music (seriously, if it wasn't their voices it was their bodies). Which brings me to the two women of the hour the unsinkably sexy duo of Janis Joplin & Grace Slick.
Ok, in my opinion if you don't know who the above mentioned are, then you totally suck and don't know $h1t about anything. 'Nuff said. Janis and Grace were musical goddesses. But for the sake of simplicity we'll start with the raven haired beauty Grace Slick.
Now, I don't care what you're into but, you can't not be into Grace Slick. She was the front girl for one of the most iconic bands of the sixties, Jefferson Airplane, and her powerful voice provided the vocals for hits like the eerie White Rabbit and the politically relevant Somebody to Love. No doubt without her the band would've been naked. Hopefully, she would've been naked too. Mmm. Anyway, her voice, absolutely fantastic. She rocked the low range like nobodies business, her powerful contralto sounding neither male nor female, but entirely perfect. Seriously, this woman could have spoken and crooned my pants off. Not to mention she was super super gorgeous. Mmmm yeah, give me a minute. Time for a segway into (PUN SO INTENDED) lady number two, the warrior queen of the blues, the late great Janis Joplin. I would not mind if that fine lady went Down On Me one little bit. Though she is considered lacking in the looks department, there is something undeniably sexy about her down home Texas charm and raspy blues voice. Something about her just seems to exude a warm southern comfort. Janis started out rough as a “speed freak”, and remained a heavy drinker throughout her career. From her small town then was picked up by the Haight psychedelic band Big Brother and The Holding Company, and later broke out as a solo act with new hits like Try (Just A Little Bit Harder) and classics like Summertime and Ball & Chain. She's was also purportedly bisexual, if only she hadn't OD'd her, Patti Smith and I could've had one rockin' threesome. Oh well, she'll always hold a piece of my heart.
Anyhoo, these women owned the sixties with a riff and a chord, bluesing and rocking their way through a dangerous decade, and generally being ultra sexy and if they didn't makeout, they definitely should've.

They Did: Sarah Michelle Gellar & Selma Blair

Ha ha, well, they did! In the 1999 "dramedy" Cruel Intentions Gellar and Blair lock lips as the two young socialites, respectively, Kathryn and Cecile. Luckily, thanks to me (and youtube) you can skip watching the whole movie and just watch the action. Enjoy!

They Should: Lady Ga Ga & Angelina Jolie

Really now? Is this really any debate? They should just makeout quick fast and in a hurry. Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta, better known as Lady Ga Ga, has come out with such chart toppers as "Poker Face" and "Just Dance", and has subsequently captured our ears and sex drives. Luckily for us, this electro-pop/dance mama is also an out and proud bisexual. In an interview from the May 2009 Rolling Stone, Gaga stated that she is indeed bisexual and is inspired by "beautiful women". According to her it's an aspect of her sexuality that makes her boyfriends "uncomfortable". Germanotta has also openly stated that "Pokerface" is about her bisexuality, but really, we could've guessed as per the video. To quote Ga Ga from the August 2008 edition of HX "I’m girl-crazy too. I really depends on where I am. I love men, I love women and I love sex". However, she also says "although she’s bisexual she’s more into her music than anything". Well, I'll just choose to ignore that last sentence. Ahem... anyway, onto (pun intended) lady number two. The ever hot, stupid sexy Angelina Jolie.

Ok, I don't care what y'all have to say. She was always hot, and is still really REALLY HOT. This bombshell has won three Golden Globe Awards, two Screen Actors Guild Awards, and an Oscar to put the cherry on top. She has promoted humanitarian causes throughout the world, and is noted for her work with refugees through UNHCR. Did I also mention she is super super hot, and likes to kiss girls? Seriously, who wasn't in love with Lara Croft? A 2003 article from the New York Daily News cites Angelina saying the following, "Of course. If I fell in love with a woman tomorrow, would I feel that it's okay to want to kiss and touch her? If I fell in love with her? Absolutely! Yes!" Hurrah Angelina! If only it could be me...

So aside from both of these women being really talented and openly bisexual, they are just both so freakin' hot. Ga Ga should stop bluffin' with her muffin', and Jolie should dump her man candy, so these two fine ass ladies can just makeout.